导演：胡楷翔
编剧：胡楷翔
主演：胡楷翔、孙伟乐、刘政
制片人：孙伟乐、胡明航
摄影：辜宇鹏
类型：剧情短片
时长：12分钟
完成时间：2023
对白语言：汉语普通话
地区：中国
制片公司：中国传媒大学

Director: Terrence Hu
Screenwriter: Terrence Hu
Cast: Terrence Hu, Sun Weile, Liu Zheng
Producer: Sun Weile, Hu Minghang
Cinematographer: Gu Yupeng
Genre: Short film
Length: 12min
Year: 2023
Dialogue: Mandarin Chinese
Region: China
Production Company: Communication University of China

我将母亲在饭局上的录像给男友看，在酒店的床上。我们没说什么，最后亲吻在一起，缠绕的影子与母亲的影像在墙壁上相望。次日清晨，他从我身边离开，没有告别，我发了疯似的寻找，还是找寻不到他。回到家后，我没找寻到母亲。她酒醉藏进了储物室里，坐在了椅子上，头嵌在了一个干发机里，像是宇航员的头盔。我瘫坐在储物室门口，手机响了，是男友，他告诉我在我手机留下了一段录音，里面灌满着他对我的爱。我在熟睡的母亲身边点开，储物室里的蓝光照得像宇宙，爱在其中徜徉，包括我与他之间，我与母亲之间。第二天，我与母亲驱车去海边。母亲或许早已知道我的性向，却永远闭口不谈，讲述着她大学时那个爱她的男生的故事。海边，夕阳垂下，母亲突然消失了，我向着橙色的光寻找、寻找。母亲突然牵起我的手，海浪从脚边翻涌，她轻轻抚摸着我的脸颊，我好像从未这么近凝视过她的眼睛。

I showed my mom’s dinner banquet video to my boyfriend, on the hotel bed. We said nothing and kissed in the end, with our entwining shadows echoing my mother’s video images. My boyfriend left home without saying goodbye. I couldn’t find him, although I had tried like a psycho. Neither did I find my mother after I returned home. She drunkenly hid herself in a storage room and sat on a chair with her head embedded in a hair dryer, like an astronaut’s helmet. I collapsed onto the doorstep when my mobile phone rang. It was my boyfriend who told me that he had left a recording on my phone filled with his love for me. I clicked that beside my sleeping mom. The blue light in the storage room resembled a space in the universe, where love wandered in it, not only between me and him but also between me and her. The next day, my mother and I drove to the beach. My mother might have already known my sexual orientation for a long time but never talked about it. Instead, she told me about the boy who fell in love with her in college. Suddenly, she disappeared while the sun was creeping down. I started to look for her toward the orange light and unexpectedly I found my hand held by mom. Sea waves surging beside us, she stroked my cheek. It was a special moment when I never gazed into her eyes so closely.

胡楷翔，2002年8月9日出生于广东省深圳市，现就读于中国传媒大学2021级导演系。于2022年2月8日拍摄第一部私影像短片《全家福》，由爸爸妈妈妹妹和自己一家四口出演，讲述了我的家庭被我的性向蒙住了一层“阴影”，但大家都闭口不谈，看似开心，但暗流涌动。2022年8月2日拍摄《在我坟上起舞》，入围第十五届爱酷电影周。2023年6月8日拍摄完成《告别吾爱》。

Terrence Hu, born on August 9, 2002, in Shenzhen City, Guangdong Province, is currently studying directing (Class of 2021) at the Communication University of China (CUC). The first private image short film Pieces of Mine was shot on February 8, 2022, starring his father, mother, sister, and himself. It tells the story of my family being cast a “shadow” by my sexual orientation, everyone kept silent and seemed happy, but there was an undercurrent. Dance on My Grave was filmed on August 2, 2022, and was shortlisted for the 15th Love Queer Cinema Week. The shooting of Before I am Gone was completed on June 8, 2023.

这个剧本最开始是想探究我的爱情与母亲对我的爱，我总觉得这二者是相同的。我找到我妈，跟她说这个片子想拍一个母子的故事，觉得外面的演员怎么都达不到我想要的感觉，那个感觉就是我母亲本人。她来了北京两次，帮我完成了这次拍摄。我妈前几天和朋友说，拍片子什么都要租，就妈妈不用租。

其实这部片子拍完，对我的打击还蛮大的，因为只达到了预期的30%吧，也超支了很多，但是我爸我妈还是会像以前那样支持我。于是这部片子再次变得私人，给了我自己一个很宝贵的机会，去看看现在的母亲。

我在片场哭了好多次，有一部分是为什么影像没有达到我心中的样子，我不知道怎么办；有部分是我真的不能接受母亲的衰老。我很喜欢特写，当监视器上是母亲的正脸，拍摄到凌晨她小憩了会儿被我叫醒，睡眼惺忪，疲惫在她脸上肆虐。

海边，母亲摸着我的手，说我的手上什么时候起茧子了，我说我要扛机器哇。她笑了笑，说着我长大了。海边太阳很大，我与母亲的脸贴得很近，她看我的眼神是任何演员都无法模仿的，是一股重锤在我的灵魂。我早早喊咔，剪辑时候很想揍自己，但当时不想在镜头前哭。脚下被风吹得海沙，身后母亲看着画面说能不能美颜。和我脑海中使劲让自己刻下这几天的记忆。

This script originally wanted to explore my affection and my mom’s love for me. I always felt that the two were the same. I went to my mother and told her that this film wanted to be a story about a mother and her son, and I felt that no actress could achieve the feeling I wanted except her. Then my mom came to Beijing twice to help me complete this shoot. Interestingly, my mother told a friend that everything needed to be rented for filming, but not including the mother.

In fact, after the film was completed, it was a big blow to me, because it only reached 30% of the expectations and exceeded the budget a lot, but my parents will still support me as before. So this film became personal again, giving me a precious opportunity to see my current mother.

I cried many times at the filming location, partly because I didn’t know what to do because the images didn’t turn out how I wanted them to be, and partly because I really couldn’t accept my mother’s senility. I like close-ups very much. I filmed my mother was awakened by me after taking a nap early in the morning. Her full face was shown on the monitor, sleepy-eyed and exhausted.

At the beach, my mother stroked my palm and asked when calluses appeared on it. I said I had to carry the machine. She smiled and said I have grown up. It was very sunny at the seaside and our faces were very close. The look in her eyes that no actress could imitate was a heavy hammer on my soul. I yelled “Cut!” early and wanted to beat myself up during film editing, but I didn’t want to cry in front of the camera. The wind blew sand under my feet, my mother behind me looked at the picture and asked if a beauty filter could be used. And I tried hard to carve the memories of these few days into my mind.